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10-18-2008

 Hey everyone! I haven't posted anything on here for 17 weeks. Everything right now is working out for me.  Soon enough I will be moving out on my own which I think would be a big thing for me. I'm moving back to beaverton with my new guy Scottie. As most of you already know about him.  I still work at Dairy Queen and im slowly learning that I dont want to be there for too much longer. Since I have also finally have gotten with scottie every one of my friends has practically left me. It sucks but I would take scottie over them any day.

I will talk to you all later
Mazuri

life- 6.15.2008

So today being fathers day I thought I was going to have a fun time. Well I had to work. See I just got this new job at a retirement/ rehab facility for older people, as a diatician. Sounds cool? well it isnt. I serve and wash dishes. Thats it. for nine to ten hours a day i serve people and wash dishes. I dislike the job, mainly because I feel I am better than a damn dishwasher and plate putter. I feel I can change the world, but I am just too damn tired of waiting for my chance. I want to get out into the world and make my name known.  I want y'all to see my name everywhere and go "i know her, shes a blogger."

So I havent been really fitting in her in Saint Helens probably because my friends are what makes my real personally come out. But since they aren't here, well neither is my personality. So I havent really made any "friends" yet, people say Hi to me all the time and try to get to know  me but I'm too deep in self guilt I cant get the nerve to wave back.

But anyways today went rough and long. Hard and tight. I had to work with a rude person and my manger is getting fired. Plus stupid little fights with loved ones and my step brother [my one and only friend out here] just left with his girlfriend for Arizona today at five in the morning, I woke him up. When he went to give me a hug and said he was going to miss me I almost lost it and went into tears so I took off to work.. Now on wednesday my father is leaving for a camping trip and will be gone a while too. That just leave my step mother and I. She'll be woking late and I will be working early. I leave when she gets up, it sucks. plus by the time we are both off work all we want to be doing is sleeping. But who knows? maybe we will grow a tighter bond and have fun. I plan on going scrapbooking with her this Saturday if she goes and I am not too tired. I just wish I had my baby brother with me, it would make things easier. He always brings a smile to my face when I am feeling down. But my mother is too stuck in the "shes not my daughter anymore" fase. Its depressing, she doesnt even answer the phone to me anymore.

So my day today has ended in me coming home from work, scrubbing the ferret cage and giving them a cleaning along with a toe trimming. and sitting here relaxing before anything else happens that will send me further down the hill into the freezing cold water of heartbreak.

New Home

So I have now lived in my new home for about three weeks. I am really liking it here but it gets really boring and lonely. I have my driving test on June 2nd at two and hopefully I will pass so I can go and visit my friends. I miss being around my ross every day and night. Just waking up in his arms was the best thing in the entire world. But for now my days are sleeping in, doing dishes, playing with my animals and watching t.v (pretty boring, eh?) I have tried many times to reach my mother and just havnt been able to and when I do she seems very distracted. It seems that I have been replaced by that bitch. But you know what, thats not going to last forever. Thats all for now. 

home

Well today is Monday and I have to head home after spending time at my fathers. I will be moving in with him on the 25th and I just can't wait. So today its just me and my dad cause Eli [[step-brother]] is off at school. and Shannon is off at work. [[step-mother]] As verse me I have graduated and I am paying for my diploma. I really am not wanting to go home, but I have to because I have to work tomorrow.  Only 24 more days until' I turn 18.

Now as for yesturday and  not wanting a prissy slut in my fiancee life didn't go very well, yet again he walked all over me and practually told me if I want him in my life then she needed to be too. I know nothing good is going to come from it but he believes otherwise. And since I told her he wanted the friendship she has been ALL fucking over him, message after message. Its really starting to piss me off and if it does not stop soon then I won't be able to take it. And I know the relationship will be over with. I just feel that when he is dating me, he should be obsessed with me not his OLD ex. I mean all he thinks about is her, probably all he dreams about is her, and all he talks about is her.

GOD I FUCKING HATE SLUTS SO FUCKING BADLY. I honestly wish she was dead and had died a EXTREMLY painful death.

Writer's Block: Friends Forever

What do you bring most to a friendship?
Understandance 

life

So yesterday I had a great day, the first in a long time.  I have been at my dads since friday evening. So I got on IM to talk to Ross, I love talking to him and I figured nothing better would end my night better than talking to the one I love. Well we were having a good conversation and then I wanted to go to bed and my father did too. Well I asked one thing and that was to not talk to one girl at his church, mainly because I don't trust her, I trust him but not her. But it was like I was asking the world of him. He got upset but finally agreed to not talk to her. Then as I was saying goodnight, he did the unthinkable and informed me that he became friends with an ex. Well okay an ex your thinking, but our entire relationship he has said the worst things about her and he promised me that everything between them was finish that he wanted nothing more to do with her.  Well he became "friends" with her again. Well that same day she made it on her friends list, he decided that he didn't trust me anymore, and I couldn't tell him this but now that she was back in his life, i feel I am not needed anymore, that I was only in his life to patch his heart until' she came back, until' she stopped blocking him. I am just heartbroken now, I don't know what to do. He has all my passwords for everything and when I asked for his myspace [[he gave it to me before]] well he said no and that he didn't trust me, as if he had something to hide.  I am totally and completely heartbroken...

I feel everything I have worked so hard for, for so long, is gone just because she is back in his life. I mean I would have taken it better if she was not on his top, if he had given me his password and if he didn't act like she was everything to him in our conversation. And perhaps if he had waited to talk to me til' it was in person. And not had her be the last girl he talks to before he went to bed. That should be my spot....

I am confused, I am heartbroken, I am in love but I feel its all just going to end....

Morning--3/16

So last night at work I was pretty upset. It was of course saturday night right after payday. So Dairy Queen was really busy and I was the only one in kitchen. But it did slow down about 8:00, which was really weird. Since I didn't have food to make I staked, cleaned and started pre-closing. Everything was going fine until' my mother, step father and my sister with my baby brother showed up. I got nervous and I didn't know why. She said she would give me a ride home, so I didn't have to ride tri-met. Well i tried so hard to close but something happened.  I went to put the cover over the fryer and it slipped and slammed into the fryer splashing hot boiling grease all over my arm. I was burned really badly. The pain was so bad, I tried to finish but I couldn't it hurt too badly. I was sent home early but my burn is just getting worse. Its the worse pain I have felt since, ever. I just couldn't believe I was stupid enough not to be careful and now I hate myself for it. I know the owner is going to be upset. 

morning--3/15

So I woke up this morning and I still have the fear to speak where I am going once I turn 18. I know my mother is going to flip if she finds out I am moving to my dads. But I want to move there. I feel I would be more welcomed and be able to move further in my wantings to help my family. I also think it is going to be hard for my ferrets to move and I believe that my older ferret pucky is going to badly miss me when I move away and he will live at my boyfriends.But I know i need to do what I need to do.

One big thing I am going to badly miss is the dogs and my baby brother Blake, but hopefully it won't be goodbye forever.

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